I WISH I COULD TELL HER


Addict, The Dependence Of                                  


Everything comes to those who wait but my patience did not just harm me; it left me with deep scars, it left me with memories so heavy my small mind could not carry them. The pain I experienced back then has refused to leave me. I really wish I could tell her.

 Maybe I was supposed to go through all that so I could learn how to go through something like that. But what kind of lesson was that? Why did I have to learn something arduous? Why did the world decide to teach me something I never thought of studying?

It was a scar on top of a scar.

I don’t think I needed to be in a relationship at the time, I was completely satisfied with being alone but I suddenly found myself in a campaign and I didn’t know whether I was the ruling party or the opposition. For my eyes were suddenly mute and my mouth was blind. They say that University romance is like a bee at near a corn grinding machine, it’s harmless. Yes, I don’t know how true that statement is but all I know is that I’ve never been lucky.

It was 7 in the evening on a Saturday, it was a friend’s birthday and they were throwing a party. I was free that week so I to go and see what was happening. I got ready, took a few cents with me and headed to one of the small halls around the University.

There were a lot of people there and most of them were “couples", only a few of us were single. I didn’t care because I was blind to certain things; like I didn’t see the need to be envious.

I was just chilling with a few bottles of booze while the party kept on getting wild.

I could see a girl far off sitting alone, she had been sitting alone for a long while. She was dressed in white and had on large earrings that resembled Nakaya's. This small detail told me that she was into fashion. I didn’t rush out to meet her, I didn’t want to go there only to find that she was with someone and get embarrassed.

After a half hour had passed and no one had gone there, I threw all caution to the wind and got closer and started talking to her. She was funny, I think she enjoyed my company since she had gotten lonely from sitting there alone.

 I don’t know what had gotten into me because I was very hyper (but I think my attitude could be attributed to the carbonated drinks I’d had earlier).

I told her “Noe is my name,” and she said “Vivian.” The way she pronounced her name made it seem as though she didn’t have any teeth because I only heard one “Vee" sound despite her name having two. I thought BAKITA ought to look into the origin of her accent to determine if it was Pidgin or Creole or whatever else there is.

A short while later the MC announced that it was time to start dancing so we got up, she was against it so we danced to slow music and kept on making conversation but our voices were so low our voices didn’t get past our own ears. The Celine Dion song playing was a blessing because the party was coming to an end.

The party ended much too quickly, or my memory remembers it that way. We eventually said our goodbyes. I hesitated but I wish I’d asked her for her number.  

I left the party feeling dejected and eventually went on with my normal school life. A lot of days went by, I started to forget the incident at the party.

But I got up one Saturday and decided to go to the busy side of the region just so I could change the my food palate. There was a certain place called King Tom Pub, the place was known for their tasty pork options.

I was sitting there, looking this way and that way when I noticed two ladies but I recognized that one of them was Vivian, the girl from the party. I told myself I will get to ask for her number. I think it would of have been better if I hadn’t gotten the number at all because then I wouldn’t of have gone through what I went through. When. I saw that they were about to finish their food I called for the attendant and gave them two thousand so they could provide the ladies with juice. I wanted to keep them there a bit longer so I could finish my meal when they finished their so I could leave with them. If you know, you know.

My plan worked. I saw them get up after a while so I got up too. When our eyes met, Vivian recognized me, she even remembered my name. She called out to me then we started talking on our way out of the pub.

She said “Today is such a wonderful day because the attendant gave us free juice and I got to meet you.”

Ah, so the attendant didn’t tell them that the offer came from me and they got all the points. I wish I could tell her I was the one that bought the juice for them. We kept on talking and she introduced me to her friend who was called Leah. Apparently she was Vivian's best friend.

Vivian was a graduate from a University in Dar, she was at home waiting to get employed. She had come to Morogoro to sightsee but her home was in Mlandizi.

Vivian and I got close to each other, we even started constantly visiting each other and we used to chat all the time. I thought I was loved until that fateful day when the two of us were walking in the street and we ran into this guy and she introduced him as her boyfriend. I was anguished but I decided to let it go.

 One day, on a Sunday, Vivian came to pick me up so we could go to church together. She was dressed very beautifully in an African print dress but I didn’t say anything. On our way back, a motorcycle driver said to her “You look beautiful.” And I started wondering why I didn’t tell her, what would it of have cost me. I felt like that driver had taken all the points. I wish I could tell her that even though she was with someone else.

And those kinds of events did not end there; that very evening as I coming back from some place I can’t recall I ran into the guy Vivian has introduced as her boyfriend. He was with some other girl in some alley. I wondered how this guy could play with the heart of the girl I liked. I decided to be the man and stayed silent. But I wish I could tell her.

I didn’t stop looking for her, I kept on talking to her. There was a day when I felt like she was unwell.  I didn’t ask her directly, I approached her friend Leah and she was the one that told me Vivian had broken up with her boyfriend.

 Aye! I was so happy but I was also saddened to see how hurt she was. And that was when I had to put my degree in consolation to good use.  But I had to put aside so she wouldn’t think that I cared too much about her being in a relationship. I decided to write a very long message to comfort her and tell her how to get through that state of heartache, I sent it to Leah and asked her to forward it as it was.

It worked! I met Vivian the next day and she looked cheery and she told me “Noe I am no longer in a relationship and I am so happy, I am so grateful to Leah who was there for me yesterday.”

I felt like a little bitch, I gave up on all those points  that easily. It would of have been better if I’d sent the text myself so she could know that I thought of her and that I cared for her. I wish that I could tell her it was me. But I felt like I still had the chance to prove myself so after that I cared for her even more. And she became addicted to me, there wasn’t a moment that passed that she did not reach out to me. Long story short, I had taken over her heart. One day she told me “ Noe when I feel complete when I am with you and like I don’t need to have a relationship. Please stay with me up to the time when I’ll be ready for a relationship.”

So I was just sending her off, I agreed to do so despite of my feelings but I wish I could tell her how I felt but I told myself not to give up. On one particular weekend we planned to go out at four in the evening. We planned to meet at a certain place; I got there before the agreed time, she was running late but she said she’d be there by half past four. I spent a whole hour and a half waiting for her but she never showed. As a person, I was very pissed off. I decided to vent to her; I sent a text saying that she was doing that to me because I was only a friend. It was a very long text but she never replied.

When the sun finally set I turned on my data and saw Leah’s WhatsApp status. She had posted a picture of Vivian with the crying emoji. I had to ask her what had happened. She told me that Vivian had been in a motorcycle accident and she was in the ICU in the regional hospital.

Guys!!! I lost my mind and blamed myself for telling her those things when I didn’t know what had happened to her especially because she was in the ICU. We went to see her the next day and we were told that she was not doing well because the accident had injured her spinal cord. She was given a reference to transfer to Muhimbili. I felt so bad I found myself telling Leah how I felt about her. But Leah made it worse by telling me that Vivian felt the same way; she said that Vivian had told her she was coming to tell me how she really felt. I wonder why she decided to keep quiet for so long, but I blame myself. I wish I could tell her. But she  was in the ICU where she couldn’t hear me say I love you.

Days went past but I didn’t get any luckier. Vivian kept on getting worse. Her medication cost kept on getting high and we couldn’t get enough money to treat her. So she eventually passed away.

I attended the funeral in Mlandizi. She’s quiet as she sleeps in her coffin. I wish I could tell her how I feel but she can’t hear me.

Guys, we better speak our minds. I wish…oh how I wish I could tell her.

#End 




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